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A Brief History of Beer

March 23, 2015  •  Leave a Comment

...and on the seventh day, God rested, and He looked back on all that He had done, and He thought to Himself, "Man, I'm thirsty". And He looked to the waters, but they  just weren't going to cut it, so He added the grains and the hops, and He added the yeast and the barley malt, and just for kicks He added the fermentation. And when He was done, it was Beer. And then God ordered a pizza, created the remote, and indeed it was good.

Shortly after this, Adam and Eve were frolicking in the Garden of Eden. It was just another beautiful day when Adam became thirsty and he said to Eve, "Yo, baby, would you get me a beer when you get the chance". Well, apparently this was the wrong thing to say because Eve took on anger. "That lazy Adam! All he does all day is nap and frolic, nap and frolic. Then he drops those fig leafs all over the place and expects ME to pick them up. Now I'm supposed to bring him a beer..."

Just then the devil appeared as a snake. "If that Adam thinks he's so smart, why not bring him an apple from the Tree of Knowledge instead of a beer".

Eve thought for a moment, then said, "Yeah...I'll show him." So she brought Adam the apple and he wasn't happy in the least because a double header between the Angles and Devil Rays was about to start and he really wanted the beer. "Just try the apple Adam," Eve insisted. "You could use the fiber."

Adam wasn't too sure about all of this, but he also knew it was pointless to argue with Eve when she got like this. And he was kind of hungry, so he sighed and took the apple.

By this time, God had had just about enough of Adam and Eve's constant bickering. "Medamnit," God said. "Here I share my beer with these two ingrates and then they go and steal fruit from my private orchard. OK, everybody, out of the pool". So God called the bouncer and threw Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden.

 When they picked themselves up out of the gutter, Adam was the first to realize what had happened. "But Lord, what about my beer? I just asked her for a beer and I end up off the guest list. Please God!".

 And being a just and merciful God, and knowing full well what Eve was like when she got like this, God decided to allow Adam to have his beer. But He was still kind of miffed about the apple thing, so God decided he had to punish his misbehaved children in some way. He punished Adam by inventing the bra, which meant that the only way Adam could look at naked hooters and drink beer was to pay extra for the right.  And He punished Eve by creating light beer and damned her to an eternity of craving only diet beer.  Which just goes to show that its not a good idea to get God pissed off at you.

(c)2013 Gene Lazo Photography


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